Round the bend

I was driving the other day.

As I circumnavigated a roundabout, reading a map, yelling at a lackey down the phone and eating, a thought occured.

Why do the police prosecute those of us capable of multi-tasking?

Are we all at the level of the mouth-breather?

No. But I have a theory...

A few years back i blew my meagre bonus on a pilot's license. As part of the 40 hours it took to pass (you cannot take the test until you have your hours) the instructors gradually increase the workload on the aspiring aviator. They start you with general handling, when you have just about got the hang of that - they throw in navigating, when you are nearly on top of both they throw in communications. Just as you are putting it all together, the emergencies creep in. Engine failure after take off, Surveillance Radar Apporaches etc.

Thus after your training of 40 hours. You can move an aircraft doing 120 miles an hour in a 3d environment, while reading a map, while talking on the radio, in bad weather, in crowded airspace towards a narrow approach vector. At the same time, you would be expected to handle instrument failure or some other "problem" the examiner will throw at you.

Now, the point of this is not to say how hard this all is, but rather how easy. A bit of concentration, a bit of focus and spending some time "in the zone" and it all slots in. Most people do this in about 45 hours.

Now turn our attention to driving. Most people learn to drive in about 25 hours of lessons and practice. Yet clearly Nanny thinks that handling a car in a two dimensional environment is more than our fragile brains can handle. Thus she has legislated that reading a map, yakking on the phone are not allowed because we cannot concentrate on our driving and may mow pedestrians down.

This is utter tosh. If I, or if anyone lets be honest, can handle the 3d scenario above, then doing the same with a car should be easy.

So what to do?

Well, obviously the level of concentration required to chat on my mobile, read a map and drive is beyond some as if they can't pick it up in 25 hours -they never will. So I propose a 3tier driving license. you would be able to apply to any level and take the appropriate exam. Permission to drive a certain car or use things like phones should be on ability. Hence make the exam much much harder.

Level 1 - "Driver". May drive a car that can exceed 70mph and carry passengers. Has demonstrated cognitive capability to read maps, talk and drive in exacting scenarios. Licensed to drive upto 130MPH as conditions permit.
Level 2 - "Mouth-breather". Can carry passengers. Not allowed to navigate, talk or touch the radio. Smoking and/or eating prohibited. Limited to 70MPH whatever the cicumstances. Car must have a sign indicating "MORON ON BOARD" to warn Level 1 drivers.
Level 3 - "Tree-hugging fucktard". No passengers, cannot exceed 45mph ever. Banned from Motorways, not allowed to tow anything. Must stay off A roads in daylight. Barred from overtaking or owning a phone or map. Can only own a 2CV. Identified by a sign reading "nuclear power-no thanks" on the back windows. Must give way to all drivers at all times. Raod fund licence of £5000.

Benefits.

Talented drivers will get about faster and the cretins will be forced off the road.

Oh and no more caravans

I see this as a win-win.

VOTE SAXON

Is it me, or is the recent series of Doctor Who simply brilliant? Apart from the very high production values (why not in HD? - Torchwood was) and the necessary corridors to run down - there has clearly been some planning.

Those of us who grew up spending saturday nights behind the sofa will recognise Russell T Davies (head honcho) as fellow traveller from this period. The stories are scary, the monsters realistic, the special effects pretty good for a telly programme made on a budget by BBC Wales. (Battlestar Galactica it aint, but the budget that new series had would run the beeb entirely for about 3 months). Oh and it has Daleks & Cybermen - together, fighting over the earth - genius!

There has been a lot of debate over the BBC and impartiality, and on the license fee. But when they produce 3 series of Dr who and one of Torchwood (with one in the pipeline) that are this tightly written, this well produced and this well acted - you have to admire them. It has spawned a raft of copycats over on the commercial channels - but they don't bear scrutiny well.

Oh and the fact that Torchwood was based in Cardiff -lovely touch. Saved money on the sets, had mountains and quarries nearby for explosions, alien invasions and the like and was generally a nicer, rougher feel to it. Before you ask, why would an organisation like that be in Cardiff - well it wasn't. Torchwood one got zapped by the cybermen, and the daleks.

Torchwood background data


But the true genius lies in the embedding of story arcs. Take "Bad Wolf" from the last series - it culminated in the battle of canary wharf and the tasty Billie saving the universe. But the latest story arc has been running throughout this series, through a series of Torchwood and even back to some of series 2.

Of course we are talking about Mister Saxon - or the Master - played by Derek Jacobi and John Simm. Towering actors both - playing the most evil man from Gallifrey - how could they resist?

The embedding of the arc is seen in overheard snatches of conversation "Fire on Mr Saxon's orders". or "Mister Saxon insists ...". It is seen in election posters in Torchwood. It is seen sprayed on the walls in backdrops in early episodes. It even has its own website http://www.votesaxon.co.uk/ .

Clearly this is no accident. The final 3 episdoes of the series have been planned, written and thought through from the very beginning of at least series 2. This shows an attention to detail in the production and the writing that is of the highest calibre in my opinion.

And while i may be over 35, I may have far too many responsibilities. The series may be as camp as christmas, (viz Capn Jack trying to shag anything that moves) but i am proud to say...

This saturday evening - I will not be going out - I shall be watching Dr Who.

www.bbc.co.uk/Torchwood
www.bbc.co.uk/drwho

Alors! Du Merde!

You are a hard man with a dark past. You will proudly fight to the death for the honour of the legion, or whoever happens to be paying your wages at the time. Your favourite opponents are impoverished tribes and unarmed peace activists


How desperately diverting.

At least i am not the chef, the waiter, the cheese eating surrender monkey or the parisien seductress!

Headache

If i drill a hole in my head will it go away?

And blog shall eat blog.....

It is late spring.

Grass has riz (viz my gardner is now back from holidays and cutting grass for me)
Sap has risen
And fancies have turned.

I have noticed of late the alarming tendency of blog owners to start dating, dry humping and perhaps even fisting other bloggers they have met in cyberspace.

I am naturally in favour of such a thing. If people are too tight to spend the money on internet dating and therefore be left with attracting each other with sycophantic postings, i am not one to disuade.

"blog name deleted on legal advice" and "blog name deleted on legal advice" sitting in a tree.
K i s s i n g
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes a syndication arrangement to an online newsagency.

Of course some do both.... no names, no packdrill.....

I am watching the skies. I am in the southerly approach vector for RAF Fairford.
Just seen a Tornado and a brace of hunters. Word on the street is F15s are likely to preceed a B2 Spirit. Cooool

Headline of the year

Folks

You heard it here first.

I think this is the greates headline since "Argy Bargy" for sheer inventiveness when faced with a problem.

Living Dead

Where is the shotgun when you need one eh?

Shiny Gear 2

The Apple Mac

Tis a debate to be sure and I have been informed by an associate that apple's are, and i quote, "gay, because they are good with colours and things - oh and a triumph of style over capability".

Needless to say this person who currently is wearing a tin-foil flying helmet to prevent the evil moonbeams of transponders breaking his glider meditations has
a)never owned a mac
b)never used a mac
c)maybe seen an advert for one, somewhere.

Me - i am the worst kind of user. A convert. Rather like ex smokers who badger ad infinitum about how holy they are, a convert has to convert others.

I am hooked. I got a mac-mini and it sits pretty much permanently on, in the front room, discretely talking to the plasma telly whatsit, communing with tinterweb and generally being really quite well designed. ok so it is only 6x6inches- but it has more grunt than much on the market today. Ok i only use for a bit of surfing, photo gazing, music, and a bit here and there. But it has office and all the other fun rinky-dinks i could want.

So what you bored people say. Well

a) It worked without having to spend ages downloading patches
b) The operating system works (ask anyone with vista that ...)
c) Kit plugged in just works
d) I neither need nor have antivirus, spyware etc.
e) It all hangs together elegantly

So i am now looking for an excuse to get rid of my personal laptop and big PC upstairs and replace with a macbook and an imac. They are not cheap but mip for mip they are cheapper than dell.

So if anyone is feeling generous can i have one of these please

Object of desire

The peoples revolutionary communique number one

This is the glorious peoples revolutionary communique number 1.

1) we unreservedly condemn all previous manifestoes as the work of lickspittle zionist CIA running dogs
2) We the party, on behalf of the lumpen proletartiat utterly reject any subsequent manifestoes as the work of counter-revolutionaires.

May it be heard

1) Those that hear the people need not fear the people
2) Old people will be banned from congregating in or within 100 yards of post offices in groups of 2 or more at any time. The post office will not run out of money. Go there after lunch.
3) The ownership, use or admiration in any way of anything caravan like or related to caravans will result in death by vomit drowning. No appeal, tough shit.
4) Treadmills will be provided to schools to provide green energy via putting fat children through their paces in P.E. Not it is not their fucking glands, they eat too much sunny delight and monster munch.
5) John Prescot is illegal. No debate. No questions.
6) France shall return all lands sequestered to the crown. Tomorrow. Watchergonnadoabowrit froggy boy? fight?
7) Lycra is a privelidge, not a right. Get it fat bird?
8) The following newspapers will be banned. The Daily Mail. The Mirror.
9) Benefits will be determined by citizenship. Citizenship will allow you to receive state benefits and to breed. This will be achieved by the following tests
- are you chavscum? Yes or No.
10) Rocket is a motor not a fucking salad.


Long live the glorious peoples revolution!
+++++++++++

Message ends

Shiny Kit Syndrome

This is a disease chaps suffer from.

You know you have it when you make absurd self justifying claims for things you don't need.

Man maths applies.

You know how the converstation goes.

"Selling the astra and buying a porsche will save us money in the long run dear..."

"I need a 7L 300bar twin set with air integrated computer and O2 cleaning -its a question of safety.."

"I need the macbook pro - its about productivity"

Recent research has proven this is not solely confined to the male of the species.

Women are not usually afflicted by shiny kit syndrome - some do indeed glaze over when faced with new gadgets. They then make the same claims to "need" things.

The question is does it extend beyond shoes and handbags?

Brave New World

Oh yes

According to the cuntwits that believe the spin - everything is better under Labour.

Oh yes - it is.

In 1979 Unemployment was 1.4m - it got Thatcher a job.

Today it is 1.7m - Brown declares economic miracle.

Source

I'll tell what the cunting miracle is. That thick fucking retards actually have the temerity to tear themselves away from Trisha and to vote for those cunt-sucking lying morons. What gets me really riled is that so many so called intelligent people agree with outpouring of toad-shit that is the media sping from these horse-fisting buffoons.

Alas pretending to be intelligent and understand ishoos is not the same as actually understanding what the fucking arse is going on as this country is systematically butt-fucked by the quim lickers in charge.

Oh and inflation? Not that the government wants you to know ...

here is what the ONS has to say RPI .

So
Inflation creeping up
Rates creeping up Jobless at 1.7m

Economic Miracle - fuck off

Gordon you are manipulating the numbers to fit your lies.

God helps us when he gets hold of the nukes

Conspiracy theory

For those that are in the know - I have a penchance for exploration.

I have shinned up high and mighty alps, slithered into caverns measureless to man, yomped through steaming jungles and trekked parched deserts.

All well and good for the adventurous cove.

However occaisionally you come across things in your travels that can only be described as cool .

You have to recognise that most chaps still have the sense of wonder / world view of a 14 yr old. To the point you cry...

A few years back I was in the little town of Box, near Corsham in wilts. Famous for Brunel's Box tunnel. Dead straight and renowned for having the sun shine through on his Birthday (doncha love the guy for building that) and for many years being the longest such tunnel in the world.

It is also home to some of the most extensive underground military sites in Britain - if not the most extensive. This site is so big it has its own branch line and station that is connected in the tunnel. It was also home to Burlington which was the key nuclear bunker for the government.

You can get into Box Stone Mine if you know who to ask as it is no longer fully classified. While exploring a huge mine with working cranes and stone carts is diverting, stumbling on the decommissioned parts of the factories, weapons stores, telephone exchanges and the like is:
a) unsettling
b) reminiscent of a doctor who set
c) very much like being in the x-files - (but without Gillian Anderson)

Why the conspiracy theory?

RAF Rudloe Manor a.k.a JSU Corsham - is apparently involved with UFO investigations. And the propeller heads out there have put on their tin foil hats and think it is like Area 51.

This nice website explains all - fascinating really.

coooool

Enjoy

CPR

T'other day i did a rescue diver course - apart from the hilarity of finding a geezer face down on the sea-bed at 10m and bringing chap to surface and towing to the beach while giving rescue-breaths - it was quite useful.

But of more immediate use I had to turn up with a recognised Primary and Secondary aid certificate. I think there are differences but my course was EFR (emergency first response) and focussed less on splints and slings and more on CPR and 02 administration.

So far so good. It is amusing however to note a few observations.

1) CPR almost never brings anyone back - you keep them stable until proper kit/people arrives
2) In excess of 85% of CPR simply does nothing except break a few ribs.
3) you should keep doing it until the pros arrive - unles you are qualified to pronounce death at the scene.

So why fucking bother?

Well - it might just save a life - truly it might - especially if it is a case of near-drowning or simple VF especially if there is an AED nearby.

Now to my point.

In my opinion the development of the Automatic External Defibrilator is a great leap forward, as is the insisitence of the elf an safety brigade to ensure that any public place capable of holding more than 50 people has at least one avaialble.

These are dead easy to use (they need an evening to learn) and will do pretty much all the paramedics can do. It reads and diagnosses heart rhythm, It administers shocks, fuck it even tells you what to do. The only drawback is the dear little toy shouts "clear" for you. Where is the fun in that? But you get to press a button, it big and red.

These devices save hundreds of lives every year. Literally.

They are also everywhere, Tesco, train stations, airports. Once you see one, you see em everyhere.

Have a look ...

This


So every now and then the government does something to help.

Oh and i was given a rhyme to get the timing right - it was "nellie the elephant" and we were advised sternly and soberly that singing it while administering compressions was likely to upset bystanders. No fun anymore eh?

Airlines I loathe

T'other day i went to a small Island off Venezula to partake in a little diving.

I expected the weather to be warm, the beer to be cold and the sea to be as milk. Other benefits included the chance to behold a red footed booby.

I routed there via Amsterdam.

A long and tiresome flight interspersed by valium, cognac and attempting to lure the odd stewardess into the lavvies for a fumble.

The distended labias that they are lost my arseing luggage.

There was I on a sunkissed resort with the clothes i stood up in, which while good English broadcloth, were more suited to the chops of the channel than the balmy spanish main.

I was standing on the tarmac at 3 o fucking clock in the cunty morning being told that my luggage perhaps was in Ecuador - deep breath old chum, "in with anger - out with love" thats what my therapist sez. The dear young thing behind the desk shrugged and said "maybe still in Amsterdam" and perhaps better luck next time. Grrr

By breakfast time - I was in a fair old bate.

It was alleviated by the dive centre chappy saying that they would let me borrow any dive kit I wanted free of charge until mine showed up, showing me the shop to get some swimmers and ensuring that my upgrade to free Nitrox was assured. Oh and getting me a cup of rich loamy coffee.

Spot the difference.

Flag carrier - running only route from Europe to this island - literally not giving a flying fuck (sideways or anyways) about their customers.
Dive centre - oodles of them to chose from - bending over backwards to put a smile on my face.

Think about it - next time anything with the dead hand of state control says "sorry - we cant do that " to you.

Solutions - not problems

I am a pragmatic cove.

No, honestly, I am.

My solution of the day.

a) Problem - democratic deficit arising out of the "West Lothian" problem and the apparent need for Tony to have the votes of celtic fringe to force through policies on England

b) Solution - Get a regiment of guards to repeatedly fist Tony without lube until he sees the error of his ways.

c) Unintended consequences - the TV rights would cancel the national debt.

I thank you

Booze

have a look at this

Do they have no shame?

The reason to drink is to get drunk. Otherwise we would sit around sipping water at the pub. Jesus h titty fucking Christ.

What next - "eating to feel full to be outlawed to stop obesity"?

The puritanical streak of this bunch of scrotal piercings amazes me on one hand and aghasts me at its shameless hypocrisy on the other.

Fly less exhorts Tony "fuck off and die now you cunt" Blair but not when i want to fly around the world on a final pre-comeback tour.

Breaking on the wheel would suffice.

New car, caviar, first class travelling, think I'll buy me a football team...MONEY

Fascinating

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/devon/6692755.stm

Whilst meandering around the net this pip emma - I came across a town printing its own money - without a licence!

The question is - if you can just print paper and it has an intrinsic worth - why not just print more? Not a good idea really, you see this breeds inflation, as more money goes into circulation, its intrinsic worth (based on its scarcity - if diamonds grew on trees would they be valuable?) goes down and you need more to buy whatever you need in Totness (is there anything anyone needs or even wants in Totness?). Solution for the good burghers who find that their pound goes a little less far, -print more - why? cos we can.

Sounds awfully like Gordon "im an utter cunt" Brown. When Gordon "my missus is a steg" Brown sold off our gold reserves at bottom dollar and swapping the proceeds for euros he was removing the underlying economic worth of the currency. So since a tenner is a promisory note, when you shuffle off to the old lady of Threadneedle street and ask for your real money, you are likely to be given a few euros instead of a nice ingot.

Gordon "eyes too close together" Brown is just doing what the people of Totness are at risk of doing. But on a massive scale. He is printing money hand over fist to give the idle, the feckless, the unemployable, the grubbers, the ignorant and the wastrells even more cash. Then he goes and spunks vast sums all over Patsy "i dont know my arse from my elbow" Hewitt in an orgy of jizz like a 70's money shot special. (now that is a nasty thought - and not something I would pay to see).

So, when you get that letter from your bank telling you your mortgage has gone up, don't look to them, look to Gordo.

The shame of it all is of course that he was voted in as chancellor and he will replace Tony. My bile rises - a post on democracy and revolution is festering.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me - some one inscrutable once said. How on earth did they fool you all 3 times i ask?

If you voted for this shower, i will find you, each and every one of you and personally rub scotch bonnet peppers into some very sensitive mucous membranes.

Message ends

Twas a monday morning

And the fucking bastards are digging up my cunting road. The spadge swallowing cuntwits.

You fucking, fucking fuckers - why dont you fuck off with your shitting jcb and leave me in peace?

I despair. I blame the council, Tony Blair, Gordon "smug" Brown, Russian Sputniks and the men from the CIA.

Off to put on my aluminium foil helmet.

Edukashun

We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.

Yes well, Roger Waters, but i think we do.

Now what is this unseemly row about Grammer schools? in my view there are those that approve and those that don't. Those that approve generally live in a catchment area, those that don't do not. Unless you are a labour MP, then you send your kids to private schools.

However, the tory row interests me. Should new ones be created? Good question - if there is already adequate provision then it will be hard to justify creating a new school - from pure economics of scale questions alone. This is reality - the ideological standpoint has little merit and as for the knob cheese who resigned over the policy - well - who hasn't got a job any more?

This leads me on - other commentators have waxed lyrical for education by selection, single sex schools and even streaming. The argument that holds the most water for me is that Children need to be educated along side those of similar ability and speed of learning - Is it best to do this at seperate schools or within existing ones. I think that should be up to the parents locally. The concept of winding back to some supposed golden age of boys in shorts and natty caps is long gone - you cannot wind the clock back. Cameron - state your policy on how you want children to be educated and let the locale decide on the most appropriate mechanism of delivery. That is a) stating a potential winner on the educational ideology front and b) giving local people, free of the dead hand of central control, the choice to do with the education subsidy.

Further posts will be significantly ruder Just wanted to be ever so topical.

Thats me that is.

Let us consider the hypotenuse

I have arrived in the interzone that is the blogsphere.

More to follow - need time to get images and stoke my rage.

More later